Top 10 Tips to Help Someone Feel Safe

Feeling safe is a fundamental human need (Maslow, 1943, as cited in Thapa et al., 2013). Feeling safe within a school setting is important as it promotes healthy development, as well as fosters greater attachment to school and provides the foundation needed for social, emotional and academic learning to take place (Devine & Cohen, 2007, Blum, McNeely, & Rinehart, 2002; Goodenow & Grady, 1993; V.E. Lee, Smith, Perry, & Smylie, 1999; Osterman, 2000; Wentzel, 1997, as cited in Thapa et al., 2013). When students feel safe, they are able to learn, and they are much less likely to experience behavioral problems, as research has shown that in schools with positive student-teacher relationships, the “probability and frequency of subsequent behavioral problems” is lower overall (Gregory & Cornell, 2009; Power etc al., 1989; M.C. Wang, Selman, Dishion, & Stormshak, 2010, as cited in Thapa et al., 2013).

Research hasalso shown that teacher’s interactions with students directly affect students’ behavioral and emotional engagement in the classroom, and that when teachers can assist students in feeling safe and can interact with their students in a supportive and positive way, students are much more likely to be engaged and behave appropriately (E. Skinner & Belmont, 1993, as cited in Thapa et al., 2013).

There are so many reasons why someone might not feel safe. I often walk into schools where I am asked to support students who I have never met. On a recent occasion, I watched an interaction with a student who was told that he could not eat his snack in the classroom due to him being unsafe. He was acting unsafe because he also did not feel safe. I could see that he did not feel safe by his body positioning, as he demonstrated rigid shoulders, chin and hands. He also had his arms splayed and fists clenched which indicated that he could move to aggression quickly.

When the staff member told this student that he could not have a snack in the classroom, he ran to the window and started striking it and kicking the heater below. I indicated to the staff member that I would take over, and in doing so I moved into the stance of safety, and moved my body closer to his to reduce the size of the hallway space. I also told him when he paused from kicking (when he de-escalated for a moment) that I was so sorry to see him frustrated and I asked him if I could get him his snack or sweatshirt. He looked at me and said, “I just want to eat in my class”, then he turned and ran down a staircase.

I followed him down the stairs, but did not chase. We then walked through the lower level of the building, where he found the elevator and pushed the button. I moved to distraction at this point, and stated that I had not been in this elevator before, and when the doors opened I said, “Whoa, this is a bit creepy,” while I giggled. We stepped inside and I asked the student “What do we press?”, he looked at me, shrugged with a smile and said “Maybe the star?”. I said , “Okay, you try!” He pressed the star button, which brought us upstairs. As we moved out of the elevator he was telling me about how hard it is for him at school and that he feels that no one understands him. I empathized with him while I walked him back to the behavior support center. I then asked him if he was all set and if he needed me to stay longer, he said “I think I am okay.” I told him where I would be in the building if he needed me, and also for the benefit of the staff supporting him.

This student was struggling with how to be safe, because he didn’t feel safe. A question that is important to ask is, ‘Why wouldn’t someone feel safe?’ There are many reasons that this may occur, and without getting into the technical end of it, we can see that people don’t feel safe when they have been in a state of crisis for a long period of time. This could be due to abuse, neglect, medical needs, over stimulation due to sensory exposures (this could also be toxins), lack of connection, mental health challenges, and other reasons.

So, how can you make a student feel safe in your presence? Here are the

1. Stance of Safety - To demonstrate the stance of safety, legs should be shoulder width apart, feet should be pointed at the person, shoulders down, elbows slightly out,hands in front of the body, thumbs up (conveys confidence), chin slightly lifted and tilted to the right (conveys attention), top of head slightly tilted to the left (conveys empathy), mouth slightly open (conveys contentment or happiness), and eyes should be open wide (conveys attention and connection).

2. Reduce the Size of the Space - if the person is going to move into crisis then they will feel the need to have their body and/or voice fill up the space, making them become more heightened; shrinking the space will help them feel safer faster. Keep in mind that the bigger the space, typically, the bigger the behavior will be to fill the space. It’s challenging to feel safe in a huge room like a cafeteria or gymnasium if you’re dysregulated. To help encourage safety, you should shrink the space as much as you can. If the student is in a hallway, move to one end. If they are in the lobby, head into the vestibule. Shrinking the space around the student will help them to feel safe and will help them to do it faster. However, if they interpret this as being trapped it will further escalate them. Outside can be challenging, but most individuals will actually regulate faster outside because they are away from building noise and lighting, and outside has natural light and living components such as shrubs and trees which helps to calm the nervous system.

3. Empathy Based Language - they know what the expectations are and this is not the time to share them again, when someone is not feeling safe, the first priority is to make a connection to help them co-regulate. Make sure to use empathy first and present expectations later. I leave my verbal content to a minimum, and all of my language is safety and empathy focused.

4. Slow Movements and Reduce Volume - if the individual is running do NOT look like you are chasing them, you want to appear relaxed and casual. Lowering your volume will force them to attend and therefore reduce the energy focused on the crisis.

5. Reduce Sensory Exposure - this also includes the amount of language being used, but turn off the lights, reduce the movement in the area, shut down any added noise, even white noise if possible, avoid offensive or noxious smells.

6. Provide Support Options - a snack, water, coat etc., allows you to help build a connection by helping and it also makes the person feel cared for, despite them saying no. I also typically dress in layers so that I can take off my scarf or outer shirt/vest and use it as a comfort item for a student.

7. Do Not Repeat Expectations - When safety is your focus, it is not the time to restate an expectation or share agitation, as this will further increase how unsafe the student feels. Even if I do find myself feeling agitated, I do not allow any of that to be presented to the student, as they have a very limited capacity to engage in behavior that is going to be consistent with the person that they want to be if they are feeling unsafe. Therefore, the goal is to help them feel safe so that they can move on to becoming regulated.

8. Caving - this technique works for many, this is why people like to wear hats, or put up the hood of their sweatshirt, and offering these options can help move the person to feeling safe faster. You can also use a smaller space, or for young people even going under an item like a table or into a small space behind a door can help them feel safe.

9. Use Distraction - If the person values you they will likely move to do something for you before they do something for themselves, so stating that you need to go find your backpack, use the restroom or get your tea may allow the person to focus on helping you and will help to move them into feeling safe.

10. Build a Connection - this is built into many of these tips, however, it is vital, and is the reason why the person will be willing to do something (which is a risk to them). They need to feel safe enough to take risks and connection is a key in this.

Next time you feel frustrated by a behavior in yourself or others, ask yourself, “Do I feel safe? Does the other person feel safe?” If the answer is no to either of those questions then work on implementing some strategies to see how it improves things.